Build the wall, or end Well Fare. Either one will work for me...

Forget Retreat, we want the Repeat


Janet Storm

Sunday, March 11, 2018

The last time I wrote about the need for some ritzy middle-aged housing in Greenville, I received enthusiastic support from several readers.

Now, I will admit that my supporters were other middle-aged people who liked the idea of a gym with mirrors that made you look thinner and a pet spa and playground. Still, I feel my idea has been validated. Now we need to get a developer to listen. And I have one in mind.

A new housing complex is being planned for Charles Boulevard. It has generated some controversy because it applied for a special-use permit to include dormitory-style apartments. Since a recent study noted that Greenville’s student housing market is already oversaturated, adding more bedrooms for the younger set seems just plain silly. So I am working up a proposal for Landmark Developers, the company that is planning the complex. Here are a few of my points:

1. The name. Landmark wants to call the dormitory portion of its project The Retreat. Instead, why not go for the middle-aged crowd with The Repeat? Repeat is a great name for housing targeting middle-aged people. I am constantly asking people to repeat things, either because I did not hear them or because I have forgotten what they told me. It has a built-in joke factor too  if people ask us where we live, we can just shout “Repeat! Repeat!” then laugh wildly when they ask the question again and again.

2. The rooms. Instead of four human-sized bedrooms, create one master bedroom and three mini rooms for our pets. You could design a little palace chamber for cats, complete with throne and a catnip scepter. Dogs would probably like a room where everything is chewable and smells like bacon. And the whole family could enjoy a room where the floor was one gigantic pillow and the roof was clear so you could look at the stars at night. We could lie there with all our favorite animals around us and pretend we knew all the constellations. “That the Croaky galaxy, Mr. Whiskers. See how it looks like a giant toad?”

3. The transportation. One of the main concerns about the new complex is the traffic it will cause on Charles Boulevard. I propose a  vehicle bay be installed for electric golf carts that members of The Repeat could drive to local stores. I realize that several stores are across the road from the complex, but I have an idea about that too — underground tunnels. We could decorate them for holidays: Tunnel of love for Valentine’s day, holly jolly tunnel for Christmas, spooky fright tunnel for Halloween. So many possibilities! Maybe we could let non-Repeat residents tour the tunnels for a small fee. Really, it could be a gold mine.

4. The upper levels. Face it, a lot of middle aged people are not going for want to climb several sets of steps to get the their apartments. But an elevator is not practical for a three-story building. So how about an escalator? The idea seems to work in airports. At the end of a long day, we could simply stand still and be carried right to our doorsteps. Or maybe we could just build ramps and drive our golf carts up to the door. Then we could step into paradise, kiss all our pets and take a nap in pillow land.

I say it could work, Landmark. Let me know when I can put down my deposit.

Contact Janet Storm ar jstorm@reflector,com or 252-329-9587.