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Sucking up votes with anti-vacuum stance


By Janet Storm

Sunday, September 2, 2018

As September rolls in, Americans are once again on the cusp of election season. And this year, one candidate is unafraid to address the big issues.

His name is Thor Michaelson and he wants to rid the world of vacuum cleaners.

Thor is a stately German shepherd mix, and I discovered his campaign on Facebook. While I am not sure what office Thor is running for, his message is clear. A photograph of the candidate shows him next to a campaign sign, explaining his stance.

“Thor Michaelson says NO to vacuums,” the sign reads. “They’re loud and they freak him out.”

Thor’s campaign is sponsored by VacuumCleanerDefenseLeague.com, an organization that whose web page notes: “We are the guardians of the living room rug. The avengers of hallway carpeting. The brave souls willing to bite the crap out of any vacuum cleaner we see. We stand vigilant in the face of HEPA filters and self-retracting cords. 

“While millions of lives are threatened daily, our work will never end. No one is safe until we say NO to clean floors.”

It is a controversial stand against the mighty vacuum industry, but Thor is not backing down. And, for the record, he is not a one-note candidate.

Other signs explain his stance on a range of issues. Thor wants you to know, for example, he is in favor of walkies. Right now. Let’s go. Hurry up. Also, Thor wants you to know that someone rang the doorbell, and he is willing to bite them if you need. Especially if they are wearing a hat.

And by golly, if you are not going to eat that, candidate Michaelson is willing to finish it.

My own two little dogs Ollie and Einstein agree that Thor is tackling all the right issues. They have urged him to expand his platform to include the following concerns:

• Digging holes and lying down in them. The Storm boys vote yes on this issue and are distressed to report that mommy votes no.

• Ollie votes no on going outside to potty in the rain. Getting his paws wet makes him grumpy and he doesn’t care if his little brother goes outside without a fuss. He is thinking of forming an anti-rain league.

• Einstein votes yes to stealing his brother’s snacks. Ollie votes no on having snacks stolen. Both boys vote yes on more snacks being offered.

• Both boys vote no to mommy leaving the house without them unless she is going to the vet — in which case they vote yes to staying home and hiding under the bed.

• They also vote yes to hiding when they hear the bath water running. Baths receive a solid no vote, as do having nails clipped, ears washed and teeth brushed.

• Finally, the boys vote YES to belly rubs. They are awesome and cannot happen often enough. More rubs. Now. Hurry up.

If Thor agrees, I suspect canines everywhere will pack the polls to put him in office.

That is, unless poll workers decide to vacuum the floor on Election Day.

Contact Janet Storm at jstorm@reflector.com or 252-329-9587.