Loading...
BYH to the one who thinks that we are energy independent because of this president. The initiatives you speak of began...

Mom wants daughter to dump gamer boyfriend

Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax

Loading…

Carolyn Hax

Friday, February 23, 2018

Q My daughter is in a relationship with her high school boyfriend. They are now living together in a different state with no relatives nearby. My daughter, 25, is a people person with a bubbly personality and makes friends easily. Her boyfriend does not. He prefers to stay home, work every now and then, and stay up all night playing video games online with other gamers.

She is a hard worker with a very well-paying job and owns her own home. However, she comes home to this situation.

In fact, when they are home together, there is no communication because he is doing his “own” thing while she just sits and becomes depressed. He tells her to go out with friends, but she feels guilty and refuses.

This is the only boy she has ever dated and he is smothering her. I am going for a visit soon and want to talk to her about everything. Please advise me how to start the conversation without her thinking I want to control her life. — Frustrated Mom

A He is smothering her with suggestions that she go out with friends?

Um.

Unless there’s a whole backstory here of manipulation and control by the boyfriend that you’ve skipped over, no one’s suffocating anyone.

Your daughter has agency. She’s merely squandering it alone in a chair feeling sorry for herself while the man she incompatibly clings to plays video games.

That’s a problem, certainly — it’s just a very different one from the one you’re itching to rescue your daughter from.

It’s also a rescue only she can perform. There’s a good chance she’ll do that in her own time, when it finally occurs to her there are better lives to be lived than the one she’s stuck herself with.

There’s also a good chance, though, this “aha” moment will strike her only after she’s even more deeply invested than she is now — through marriage, a jointly owned home, a child.

So there can be a role for someone like you, who has enough distance and experience to see the risk more clearly than she does. You just need to play this role with great care not to pin everything on the terrible boyfriend chosen by your pristinely blameless and wonderful child.

To remain grounded, repeat to yourself as needed: She’s half of this. She chose this. She has a need this pairing fulfills.

Then respond to any unhappiness you perceive in her only as it relates to her. Not, “What did he do to you” or “Why do you put up with him,” but instead, “You don’t seem happy about [factual statement].” Or, “Is something bothering you?” Or, “You say you feel guilty — why?” And always: “I see. Any ideas for dealing with that?” No lectures, no advice unless asked — except perhaps, “Don’t do anything that doesn’t feel right.”

She’s your daughter and you’re used to guiding her, but she’s an adult who clearly is equipped to take care of herself — even if she isn’t doing the best job of it emotionally right now. (And who nails all of it, really — I sure don’t. Do you?) Accordingly, the best way to “start the conversation” is with your mouth closed and your eyes and ears open. Let her tell you what she needs.

Email Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

Loading…

Humans of Greenville

@HumansofGville

Local photographer Joe Pellegrino explores Greenville to create a photographic census of its people.

Look

December 16, 2018

“The real mystery after half a century,” Wyndham Robertson says, “is why life at the top of large American corporations still seems so overwhelmingly male.”

Writing in The New York Times on Nov. 29, the Salisbury native and Chapel Hill resident remembered when, 50 years ago,…

DGMartin.jpg

December 16, 2018

In 2003, there was no way Richard Wilson could afford the $5,000 booth fee at the Philadelphia International Art Expo, one of Philadelphia’s largest African-American art shows in the country at Temple University.

He negotiated with the organizers and purchased half of a booth for $2,500…

12xx18richardwilson-1.jpg

December 16, 2018

Today is one of the 10 best days of the year to read all the "Ten Best" lists of the year.

"The Ten Best Movies of the Year," "The Ten Best Books of the Year," "The Ten Best TV Shows of the Year," "Top Ten Children's Names of the Year," "The Top Ten Design Trends."

So what if you haven't even heard…

JimMullen

December 15, 2018

Singular: “Wasp.” Plural: “Wasps.” Right?

But that plural form of the noun is hard to say, and it sounds kind of silly to me: “Waspeses.” I’m reminded that there are other ways in which these words are pronounced. For instance, I’ve heard it…

121518mysteryplant.jpg

December 14, 2018

The 23rd-century world of "Mortal Engines" looks great: a fabulous and richly textured steampunk dystopia of haves and have-nots straight out of H.G. Wells. Populated, on the one side, by people in frock coats festooned with gold braid, and, on the other, begrimed laborers in goggles and grease-…

FILM-MORTAL-REVIEW-ADV13

December 12, 2018

Q Is the push to take probiotics just another fad or is there a good reason to take them? AD, Winterville.

A You may have heard me suggest eating yogurt with active cultures if you are taking an antibiotic to help avoid diarrhea -- I’ve been saying that for years. But there is lots more…

Kolasa, Kathy

December 09, 2018

Texas Roadhouse located at 720 Greenville Boulevard next to Cracker Barrel in the Shoppes at Greenville Grande has Texas sized food and spirit. The restaurant is as big as Texas too with plenty of space with a down home country feel. Come in and be met with upbeat sounds of top country music and a…

Steak Display Case.jpg

December 09, 2018

A Stokes resident and retired public school teacher recently published a novel based on a larger-than-life friend engaged marijuana smuggling in the 1960’s abd 1970s.

Life and Times in the Sierra Madres: An American Smuggling Story is written by Michael Biondi. It was published in November…

Michael Biondi

December 09, 2018

 

In the Spring of 1986 I was invited by the deputy chief of staff for Vice President George H. W. Bush to a meeting with the vice president in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building across from the White House. At the time, I was a young executive in the U.S. Department of Commerce working…

David Edgell

December 09, 2018

“There should be an historic plaque in Chapel Hill honoring George Bush.”

On the day after the former president’s death, Chapel Hill lawyer and chair of the town’s historic district commission, Bob Epting, was making opening remarks at a public seminar on preserving historic…

9780812979473.jpg
185 stories in Look. Viewing 1 through 10.
«First Page   «Previous Page        
Page 1 of 19
        Next Page»   Last Page»