Loading...
Build the wall, or end Well Fare. Either one will work for me...

Love interest reveals a long history of deception

Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax

Loading…

Carolyn Hax

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Q Recently began an invigorating flirtation with a woman at work — movies, jogging after work, dinner at home, etc. Last week she told me she’d been involved in an extended affair with a married man three or four years earlier. She was also living with another man at the time. The news came as a huge disappointment, and I’m wondering how much importance to attach to her history of lengthy deception. — Portland, Oregon

A I think there’s a risk of your blowing this out of proportion, so I’ll be conservative and put its importance somewhere between “staggering” and “colossal.”

Integrity isn’t just a four-syllable word. If this woman doesn’t have it, the jogging better be awfully good.

Note the flagrant use of “if.” I could argue that her long-term deceptions guarantee she’s integrity-starved, but that would deny her the opportunity almost every one of us wants out of life at least once: to be able to make a godawful mistake, to have an epiphany as a result, and to be accepted ever after for both the epiphany and the mistake, and not merely for the mistake.

So about that epiphany. Did she have one? Specifically, did she treat her behavior with the appropriate dose of self-loathing, and is she living proof that it worked? It isn’t too early to tell; just recall what else she said when she delivered the news of her ugly behavior. Context speaks louder than words.

 

Q I’m in a long-distance relationship with someone younger and still in school. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this person, but I worry I am a crutch keeping them from getting to the same point in maturity and independence that I am at now. How can I stop enabling dependence without potentially harming our relationship? — Far Away

A Be willing to harm the relationship. Sounds callous, but look at it this way and it’s the only unselfish course: Which is better, to want what’s best for each other at the possible expense of your relationship, or to want the relationship at the possible expense of each other?

If you believe your student belovedness isn’t ready for long-term commitment, end the commitment. I know some will cry condescension since it appears you’re deciding unilaterally what’s best for your younger, less-mature partner. And that’s a fair accusation.

But you’re really deciding how to look out for yourself. Either you’re comfortable with this person’s maturity and independence, or you think s/he has a way to go. Either you think staying together is healthy, or you think freedom will be. Either this person makes you happy as-is, or it’s better, for you, to stay in touch but see other people. Just be honest in how you word that: “I want you to choose me after you’ve lived more of life.”

 

Q I have a group of four friends I’ve been with since I was 18 (I’m now 24), and one friend has stopped maturing somewhere along the way. Her constant high school behavior usually leaves the other three of us constantly complaining about her to one another. Is there any way to approach this situation without its seeming like we are attacking her three-on-one? — Burbs

A Right, can’t stand that high school behavior.

You’re already attacking her three-on-one, just behind her back. The fair, and decent, and adult way to treat her is to attack her one-on-one, to her face. With “attack” being shorthand for raising calm, specific, well-thought-out objections to her behavior, with explicit examples, and then hearing her side of the story. And then steering the friendship accordingly.

 

Q I recently started a relationship with a woman who seemed great until her jealous side became visible. While at a group happy hour, every time I talked to a female friend, she’d insert some snide comment. We talked about this and she apologized, saying she hadn’t slept much and was cranky. A few weeks later, a couple of my female friends stopped by our table to say hi. She glared at both of them and stormed off to the restroom. She later yelled at me for “hitting on them” in front of her. This is laughable, as both are married and have been platonic friends of mine for years. Is this something she needs to sort out herself or can I help her? — Maryland

A Both. Theoretically. It’s her insecurity to sort, but you can help yourself (and her) by implementing the nicest little zero-tolerance policy ever. “These women are my friends. This is the way I interact with my friends. I mean no disrespect, and ask that you please respect my friendships.”

I say theoretically, because this just defines your limits on jealousy. What you also have is a woman either too rude or too childish to stay civil when she’s upset. I doubt you can help her with that.

 

Email Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

Loading…

Humans of Greenville

@HumansofGville

Local photographer Joe Pellegrino explores Greenville to create a photographic census of its people.

Look

December 12, 2018

Q Is the push to take probiotics just another fad or is there a good reason to take them? AD, Winterville.

A You may have heard me suggest eating yogurt with active cultures if you are taking an antibiotic to help avoid diarrhea -- I’ve been saying that for years. But there is lots more…

Kolasa, Kathy

December 09, 2018

Texas Roadhouse located at 720 Greenville Boulevard next to Cracker Barrel in the Shoppes at Greenville Grande has Texas sized food and spirit. The restaurant is as big as Texas too with plenty of space with a down home country feel. Come in and be met with upbeat sounds of top country music and a…

Steak Display Case.jpg

December 09, 2018

A Stokes resident and retired public school teacher recently published a novel based on a larger-than-life friend engaged marijuana smuggling in the 1960’s abd 1970s.

Life and Times in the Sierra Madres: An American Smuggling Story is written by Michael Biondi. It was published in November…

Michael Biondi

December 09, 2018

 

In the Spring of 1986 I was invited by the deputy chief of staff for Vice President George H. W. Bush to a meeting with the vice president in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building across from the White House. At the time, I was a young executive in the U.S. Department of Commerce working…

David Edgell

December 09, 2018

“There should be an historic plaque in Chapel Hill honoring George Bush.”

On the day after the former president’s death, Chapel Hill lawyer and chair of the town’s historic district commission, Bob Epting, was making opening remarks at a public seminar on preserving historic…

9780812979473.jpg

December 08, 2018

It’s an odd-ball sort of bush.

It’s a native species — nothing odd about that — and it was originally restricted entirely to the coast, from North Carolina all the way to Mississippi.

Now, though, it is common well inland within all of these states, and beyond, and appears…

120818mysteryplant.jpg

December 07, 2018

In the annals of potentially disastrous spinoffs, "Creed" surely stands as an all-time champion. Directed with finesse and sensitivity by Ryan Coogler — who famously went on to make the blockbuster "Black Panther" — the 2015 drama had it all: a classically contoured boxing story, a…

FILM-CREED-REVIEW

December 07, 2018

Over nearly three decades of “The Nutcracker,” it is hard to imagine that anyone saw the Dance Arts Theatre production more than Jeane Welch.

She watched the first performance in 1985 when her daughter, Marty, was a dancer. She was in the audience when her granddaughter, Holton, twirled…

120718gonutcracker1

December 05, 2018

Members of the cast of Magnolia Arts Center's “Elf Jr.” are too young to remember when Will Ferrell starred as Buddy the Elf on the big screen. The beloved 2003 movie, which cost $33 million to make, grossed more than $220 million at the box office.

The musical version, which opens…

December 05, 2018

Wasabi 88 Asian Bistro Sushi & Bar located at 1605 E. Firetower Road in Greenville is the place to go when you’re seeking fresh and flavorful sushi and a multitude of Asian favorites. Front house manager Shawn Grazier invites customers to come and taste the sea at Wasabi 88. They offer…

Crab Wonton.jpg
191 stories in Look. Viewing 1 through 10.
«First Page   «Previous Page        
Page 1 of 20
        Next Page»   Last Page»