Loading...
We may have gotten lucky this time with this storm but please will somebody please put it in the county budget funds to...

Happy news meets Mom's negative reaction

Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax

Loading…

Carolyn Hax

Sunday, August 26, 2018

Q Last night I told my mom that I’m pregnant. Her reaction was, “What?! You’re too young to raise a child! And how in the world are you going to pay for everything? This is a big mistake.” Carolyn, I’m almost 24, I’ve been married for a year and on my own for about three years. My husband and I thought about this a lot — it was no accident — and we are comfortable with our decision and very happy to be starting a family. But my mother’s horrified reaction is bothering me more than I’d like to admit. I just want her to be happy for me and trust that I’ve thought this through. By the way, she had the same reaction when I told her I wasn’t moving back home after college, and again when I told her I was getting married. She’ll only get upset if I talk to her about this, and tell me how overly sensitive I am. Why can’t she ever say, “Oh, that’s great! Congratulations!”? — Cleveland, Ohio

A Oh, that’s great! Congratulations!

Because it is great. So was your finding a way to live independently right after school, and so was your getting married.

I know hearing this from me wasn’t quite the validation you had in mind, but it might be time to get used to taking what you can get. Yes, you want the satisfaction of pleasing your mom, just once. But she’s made it pretty clear she’s not going to grant you that.

Why? I can’t be sure, and it’s possible she isn’t, either. Could be she feels increasingly irrelevant, that your gains are her losses. Could be she digs the power she has over you. Could be she’s simply bitter.

Or maybe she’s just like a lot of people who feel compelled to shoot down good news: scared. All the milestones you mentioned are happy ones, but each also comes with some risk. Living on your own? Financial ruin. Marriage? Divorce, or death. A baby? Death, financial ruin, divorce.

Instead of assuming or even hoping these things won’t happen, some people find a sense of security in the reverse — in telling themselves they can see them all coming. Better to be expecting it than to have high hopes and a broken heart, right?

It is unfair, and joyless, and sad, and, if it’s the reason your mother’s so negative, it’s also not about you.

Actually, it’s not about you if she’s clingy, controlling or bitter, either — and that’s what you need to absorb. I know, this is your mother, whose affirmation can feel more than your own. But: This is her way. Don’t fight it anymore.

Instead, neutralize it. When she rushes to the darkest emotional conclusions, meet her there, without fear. “I know, Mom, a million things can go wrong. But that’s true of anything, and being alive means having to face that.” Translation: When you’re ready to be happy for me, you know where I’ll be.

 

Q Long story short: Difficult long-distance relationship is starting to unwind. Factors have been discussed ad nauseam for months — youth, bad timing, lots out there, etc.

As this is happening, a new guy appears on scene. My girlfriend has admitted being curious/having feelings for new guy, who has told her the same, but she’s said nothing would ever happen while we are still figuring things out and it’s not a reason for the breakup.

Am I supposed to believe this? I really want to trust, and want things to end on a “good note” or whatever and maintain friendship after our long relationship, but if there is more to this story than I think, that would be impossible. — Unsure

A She is interested in someone else and was honest with you about it. There’s your good note. Now end it.

Besides, it’s not only a difficult relationship already, but “the talk” has also entered Ad Nauseam Land. And been on most of the rides at least twice. And you got it there by agreeing, no less, that you’re both young and should meet other people. Yoo-hoo.

At this point, it’s as if you’re waiting for things to get messy to force a decision. Please don’t. Whether you hope to stay friends or not.

Email Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

Loading…

Humans of Greenville

@HumansofGville

Local photographer Joe Pellegrino explores Greenville to create a photographic census of its people.

Look

September 21, 2018

EVENT CHANGES

In the aftermath of Hurricane Florence, several area events have been postponed or canceled.

Games Meet Art

The Greenville Museum of Art has canceled Saturday’s Games Meet Art event. No new date has been scheduled. Call 758-1946, email info@gmoa.org or visit gmoa.org for more…

September 21, 2018

Capsules of movies playing locally. New releases are indicated with an asterisk.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN — A working-class family man, Christopher Robin, encounters his childhood friend Winnie-the-Pooh, who helps him to rediscover the joys of life. (1 hour, 44 minutes) Rated PG.

CRAZY RICH…

092118lifeitself

September 21, 2018

Q My 15-year-old son and his stepmom, my wife of eight years, have developed such a contentious relationship that I don’t know what to do anymore. He’s not a bad kid but has a history of lying about grades, schoolwork and some really silly things like cleaning his room.

I’ve been…

Carolyn Hax

September 21, 2018

Auditions

Magnolia Arts Center, 1703 E. 14th St., will have auditions for “Elf Jr: The Musical” from 6-8 p.m. today and 3-6 p.m. Sunday. Ages 18 and younger are eligible to audition. Visit magnoliaartscenter.com to review the script or for more information.

GMA

The Greenville Museum of…

September 21, 2018

The Four Seasons Chamber Music Festival will begin its 19th season with concerts on Thursday and Sept. 28. Here are highlights of the festival:

Greenville Concert Season

■ Season Opening Extravaganza: 7 p.m. Thursday, 8 p.m. Sept. 28, A.J. Fletcher Recital Hall

■ The Miraculous Bartok:…

September 21, 2018

The 19th season of the Four Seasons Chamber Music Festival will feature internationally acclaimed artists that include a Grammy Award-winning soloist, musicians who have performed at Carnegie Hall and Lincoln Center and faculty from the country's most prestigious music schools.

And that is just for…

092118fourseasons

September 19, 2018

The Leroy James Farmers Market vendor of the week is Nooherooka Natural.

Nooherooka Natural is dedicated to providing quality beef and pork products throughout North Carolina and exhibiting good practices and stewardship for the earth while humanely caring for its livestock. Nooherooka Natural is a…

091918vendor

September 19, 2018

Q: I am trying to decide if I should buy an air fryer. What are the benefits and the downsides of using one? — T.N., Greenville

A: Several of our patients at ECU Family Medicine have told us how much they like the air fryer. I haven’t had an opportunity to use one yet. Dan Olson, a…

KathyKolasa

September 19, 2018

Some of the best restaurants in any given city can be found tucked away in strip malls on the outskirts of town. Well I have one that’s a real gem in the food scene, CPW’s Fine Food & Spirits, 2422 Stantonsburg Road in the Stanton Square shopping center. This casual, inviting…

091918hotdish

September 19, 2018

Q Over a decade, my salary has tripled (I’m quite well-paid now), my work hours and responsibilities have increased, and — because I’m so frequently tired or short on time — my “outsourcing” has increased, too. Think: frequent takeout, a dog-walker, cabs instead…

Carolyn Hax
272 stories in Look. Viewing 1 through 10.
«First Page   «Previous Page        
Page 1 of 28
        Next Page»   Last Page»