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Pre-distressed glory: My scruffy look may make me rich

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My lovingly pre-distressed sneakers feature authentic grass clippings.

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Sunday, March 31, 2019

I’ve never been much of a fashion plate, but as I’ve grown older and gradually let my little dogs take over my life, my wardrobe has officially shifted from “dowdy but acceptable” to “A little worse for the wear.”

That used to depress me, but recently I learned that there may be a silver lining to my lack of glamor. It seems Gucci is marketing a new line of “pre-distressed” sneakers that look suspiciously similar to the condition of my own footwear. And get this — the shoes they are selling go for a whopping $870 per pair — or $930 for a high-top version.

My fortune is made.

This past weekend I did a quick once-over of my shoe collection and found almost every pair to be pre-distressed. For example, the pair of lime green Converse sneakers I wear when I weed whack growth surrounding back patio are ragged, stained and just generally falling apart. Ca-ching! I feel certain that some well-to-do individual (who probably pays a gardener to do the weed whacking) will be willing to fork over close to $1,000 in order to embrace their scruffy, authentic appeal.

My used-to-be white walking shoes are another potential cash bonanza. I got one of them stuck in the mud while strolling around with my canine companions Ollie and Einstein. By the time I extracted it, the stuck shoe was as black as midnight and I probably should have thrown it out. But a friend suggested I soak it in bleach them wash it, so I gave that method a try. Now one shoe is a grayish brown and other is a grayish white. I haven’t been wearing them because I thought they looked odd — but now I see they are stylishly mismatched and therefore all the more valuable. 

But wait — there’s more! I see no reason I should limit myself to shoes when the rest of my wardrobe also is so charmingly pre-distressed. Often when I take off a sweatshirt, I will throw it on my bed. Ollie and Einstein take that as an invitation to chew on the collar and cuffs of the garment. I have at least half a dozen Storm boy-customized shirts that should bring it top dollar. I would even be willing to take in other people’s sweatshirts and throw them on my bed so the boys could work their magic. 

Oh, I am going to be so rich.

I have seen pre-distressed jeans in the stores for years now, but the factory-created rips they sport are nothing compared to my own jeans, which have been worn through the old-fashioned way: crawling around on my hands and knees to retrieve dog toys from under the sofa and TV stand. I think I will leave a few doggie waste bags in the front pocket of the jeans when I sell them to add to the realistic vibe.

I also am researching ways to market the sweaters snagged by Einstein’s little claws and the T-shirts covered with Ollie’s dog hair. Talk about pre-distressed. The people who buy them won’t have to spend a minute trying to give them that lived-in feel.

This is going to be great. And the best thing is that with Ollie and Einstein around, I will never run out of clothing that is tattered, splattered and worn.

Maybe I ought to call Gucci.

One look at me, and they will know I’m a potential gold mine.

Contact Janet Storm at jstorm@reflector.com or 252-329-9587.

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