Bless the heart of the county commissioners, I think we all will come knocking on your doors when we receive our new...

Where do royal babies come from?

1 of 2

Jim Mullen

APTOPIX Britain Royal Baby

Sunday, May 12, 2019

All the hoopla about the new royal baby is unseemly and ridiculous. At least on this side of the Atlantic.

You can understand why the British might care. Every five minutes they spend hearing about the royal baby is five minutes they don't have to hear about Brexit. They will also have to watch this kid grow up, whereas we'll only hear about him or her when they screw up.

For us, it's a puzzlement. It's one of those stories that no one talks about except for the gossipy TV morning shows. No one at work cares, no one at the gym cares, no one at home cares; only the morning shows care.

They are all over this like a trench coat on Columbo. 24/7, nonstop team coverage with breathless reporting on an event that will have no impact on your life whatsoever. They will send reporters to London, as if they have a better chance of getting closer to the story than if they'd stayed in New York. That's never worked before, and it won't work now. Besides, it's creepy and icky.

You get the feeling that the scoop of the decade would be if they were the first to report that Meghan Markle's water broke. Wow! What digging! What insight! What nonsense!

This kid will be so far down the list of heirs to the throne that their chances of being king or queen would only be realistic if there were a sudden breakout of Ebola at Balmoral Castle this summer.

A royal baby IS important — to his or her parents, close relatives, and their dear friends. You know: the same way nonroyal babies are important. For people not in any of those groups to obsess over it is troubling. Absolute strangers will send this kid bootees and onesies because television has made them feel as if they are somehow part of the family. I wonder, though: How would they like it if complete strangers sent THEM presents and best wishes for their new baby? Not just strangers, but strangers from another country an ocean away. They would rightly think that they were being stalked by unstable people.

Sure, there are delusional people everywhere, but most of us try to help them, not to encourage their fantasies. Television does just the opposite. You've made a picture of Meghan and Harry out of rusty bottle caps you found while metal-detecting to commemorate the event? Come on down! Welcome to the Royal Morning Show. You've knitted a beer cozy with the royal seal on it? Let me give you Meghan and Harry's address so you can drop it off in person. I'm sure they'd love to see you, and 5,000 other people, at their garden gate.

What will the Royal Couple feed the Royal Baby in the Royal House when they get back from the hospital? Will she breastfeed? Will they vaccinate? Will they use cloth nappies, or disposable? Inquiring minds want to know, so we've sent a drone with a telephoto lens to find out.

What will they name the child? Here's our expert on Royal Names. He says Meghan's a wild-card American, and may go out of the Royal Box with Ke$ha for a girl, Drake for a boy. Who will the Royal Nanny be? And coming up after the break, let's see what Bobby Flay has to say about the Royal Baby.

Yes, television has to fill up 150 channels with something 24 hours a day, but they could save a lot of money by just rerunning all the reports they did on the last Royal Baby, and the one before that, and the one before that. Just change the names of the parents. Who would know the difference?

Jim Mullen is the author of It Takes a Village Idiot: A Memoir of Life After the City. His column, The Village Idiot, takes a look at the curiosities of American life.


Humans of Greenville


Local photographer Joe Pellegrino explores Greenville to create a photographic census of its people.


June 24, 2019

St. Peter Catholic School teams recently finished among the top schools at the NC FIRST Lego League State Championships in Greensboro

Wiredcats Green team finished fifth out of 60 teams in the robot game, and the Wiredcats Blue team finished 14th. Wiredcats Green's score of 171 was the seventh…


June 24, 2019

Fifty years ago, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and the gaze of the world landed on the Moon.

Fifty years ago, that Moon was six feet closer to the Earth than it is today.

Every year, in fact, the Moon retreats from Earth by 1.5 inches, as a spinoff of gravity. Gravity pulls on both the Moon and…


June 23, 2019

I know there will be some of you who will say, “Bob Garner ought to stick with exclaiming ‘Mmm-mmm’ over his food and stay the heck out of politics.”

Believe me, I get that, and generally I agree. One of the things I love about being a foodie is that food can often help…

Bob Garner.jpg

June 19, 2019

It is no secret that health care communication can be incredibly complex. This is especially so for patients who experience language and cultural barriers.

Luckily, there is a group of specially-trained Vidant Health Language Access Service interpreters who offer a voice to patients in-need, 24/7.…


June 19, 2019

Q I saw a story in a cooking magazine with the headline, “yes ultra-processed foods could be killing you.” What are ultra-processed foods and is that a true statement? CC, Winterville

A I have said in this column, in talks, when counseling patients and when feeding family and friends,…

Kolasa, Kathy

June 16, 2019

Even though I’ve spent a significant portion of my adult life working in TV, I was often too busy to actually watch much of it, or at least to pay much attention to the commercials.

Now that I’m semi-retired and am watching more television, mostly on cable news channels, I’m…

Bob Garner.jpg

June 14, 2019

In many ways, theater is like a spelling bee. Those preparing to take the stage spend weeks practicing and memorizing, hoping they won't get tripped up by a word when they get their moment in the spotlight.

Perhaps nowhere is this parallel more evident than in “The 25th Annual Putnam County…


June 12, 2019

Q My doctor told me to follow an anti-inflammatory diet. Can you give me any tips? MM, Winterville

A I hope your doctor gave your more information about your dietary goals since you won’t find that title in the diet manual used by health care professionals.

Most registered dietitian…

Kolasa, Kathy

June 12, 2019

One of my favorite summertime activities is attending cookouts. They have a myriad of tasty food from grilled meats, salads, desserts, and all the other fixings we associate with this event. One of my favorite things to serve at a cookout is seafood in any form from grilled, marinated to fried.


The whiting sandwich from 42 Fry.

June 09, 2019

Having experienced deep depression firsthand, I now feel a sense of kinship with others who have struggled to overcome the same condition and still battle regularly to remain mentally healthy

As someone who’s in the public eye in a very minor way, it encourages me to know about far more…

Bob Garner.jpg
201 stories in Look. Viewing 1 through 10.
«First Page   «Previous Page        
Page 1 of 21
        Next Page»   Last Page»