Since lists seem to be all the rage these days, here is a list titled ... "10 Things That No One Told You About Parenting ... But I Will."
1. Breast milk pumping is not a pretty sight.
Contributed photo |
Maureen Green
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I figured that it was sort of bovine-looking, but I had no idea how much so until I got my Christmas morning pictures back and saw my three-week postpartum body hooked up to the pump in the background. (I'm still paying for the Eckerd photo lab guy's therapy.)
2. Knowing some counter wrestling moves is helpful when your toddler does "the plank" when you are trying to put him/her in the car seat.
Parents all know exactly what I'm talking about. For those of you without children, or for those of you whose children are old enough that they were free to stretch out in the back window of the car while riding, "the plank" is when a child will not bend at the waist when you are late for work/funeral/anywhere.
3. The amount of beautiful clothes a child has is inversely proportional to what he/she will wear.
For the first several years of my child's schooling (thank goodness for uniforms) my oldest child wore outfits so outlandish that the only reason Social Services wasn't called was that her kindergarten teacher had been teaching for 35 years and was very wise on the subject.
My middle child wore a bathing suit, socks, and sometimes cowboy boots around the house for a whole year. OK, OK, and sometimes out of the house depending on how much of a hurry I was in.
Child number three? He refuses to wear anything with buttons. No flair for him.
4. At some point you WILL be at a McDonald's counter asking the teenager to trade you for a different happy meal toy.
My husband and I still laugh (well, now we do) at our daughter's heartrending sobs when she thought that a race car with her food meant that there was a fast-food conspiracy to cast aspersions on her gender.
5. Carrying a small potty around while shopping at Lowe's will seem completely normal.
'Cause God forbid that one of those automatic flushers on the big toilets flush prematurely and set you back MONTHS on the potty training.
6. TV is your friend. Enough said.
7. Preschoolers' single-mindedness when looking for a specific item will not be dissuaded.
When he/she wants the man wearing the green shirt with blue pants with one arm raised and the other arm down, it will be your mission to dig through all 6,000 aforementioned free plastic toys in his/her room to find it. You will have to pursue it with the dedication last seen in "Saving Private Ryan" or risk the wrath!
8. Sometimes you have to call in the translator.
One day when my husband was home alone with our 1-year-old daughter, he called me at his wits' end while she bawled in frustration in the background. He needed to know what she meant by "farts and craps." I think he was relieved to hear that what she meant was that she wanted to do "arts and crafts."
There are times, however, when even the professionals are stumped. This was the case when our little boy wanted his "spicy man." After going through each toy, holding it up, and receiving a shrieking, "Nooooo", I finally (by process of elimination) came across a little skateboard guy who felt "slippery" (not spicy.) All was well with the world until his big sister snatched "spicy man," licked him, and declared him, "not spicy at all."
9. Most mothers sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door. It's true. Take a poll.
10. As with anything written about parenting, this may apply to you ... or it may not.
Maureen Green is the mother of three children; two girls ages 10 and 8, and one boy, age 4. In her spare time she likes to be thankful that she has a wonderful husband to do half the parenting.
"Being a Mother" is a series of columns written by area mothers. If you would like be considered as a "Being a Mother" columnist, send a sample, 200-word column to tellher@coxnc.com or Her Magazine P.O. Box 1967 Greenville, NC 27835.
