Good intentions only take a person so far. Look at those who have succeeded in the weight-loss battle, only to gain the weight back plus more. Our lack of success rarely has been because we don’t know what to do. The information available everywhere encourages healthy eating, exercise and stress reduction. Where we usually lack knowledge is in how behavior change actually works.

One component of behavior change is will power. I have heard many people complain that lack of will power is to blame for not being able to reach their goals. They think that others who succeed are somehow more blessed with self-control than they are. I worked with a client who was amazingly successful in business but had not been able to get her weight under control. She certainly did not lack the self-discipline to run her corporation, but when it came to her personal choices, something wasn’t working for her.

Dr. Walter Mischel did one of my favorite psychological studies on this topic in the 1960s. In these experiments, he would leave a 4-year-old in a room with a marshmallow. He would tell him that after he left he could eat it right away, but if he waited until he returned in 15 minutes, then he could eat that one and have another. This experiment has been recreated many times, and the recent video (search term: marshmallow test) of these children and their attempts to distract themselves and not eat the marshmallow will make you laugh. The researchers have kept track of the children over time. They found that those who were able to resist showed higher achievement in school and even had lower body weight as adults.

So what was different about those children who resisted and those who immediately gobbled their sweet treat? Perhaps there is some innate quality to self-control — but the important part of this study is that these children used strategies that enabled them to control their behavior, and those strategies can be learned.

As parents we know that children who have their every desire immediately satisfied make for miserable kids.

We have also learned from further studies that will power works more like a muscle than anything else. When we use it, it tires. When we use it often, it grows stronger. Better yet, when we control our environment we can avoid overusing it so it will be strong when we need it. Think of how often you must control your behavior through the day. You want to stay in bed, but up and out you go. You must keep your shoes on even though your feet hurt. You must be nurturing to family and friends even though they are driving you crazy. Add to that the numerous food choices we make! No wonder by the end of the day when the choice comes to hit the gym or the refrigerator we have nothing left to fulfill that promise to ourselves. Even those activities like shopping and eating out are extremely fatiguing to the will power muscle. So you have remarkable self-control that you use all the time! We run into trouble when we have worn it out, and then expect it to be there.

So how do we develop a will power with abs of steel that will help us more? Start with small changes. Resolve to sit up straight, make your bed or use your non-dominant hand for simple tasks. Pushing the will-power muscle helps to strengthen it. And don’t expect to have will power about anything when you are hungry. Have a healthy snack and then flex that muscle.

Building your self-control muscle is the key to being able to take on new challenges. But it is also important to remember to not rely on it totally. It is just one of the skills that can be used to move you into new behaviors for the new year. This year, resolve to strengthen your will power, just don’t expect it to do the heavy lifting when it comes to big changes.

Joni Emmerling, MA, is a life coach with Mid Atlantic Counseling, Coaching and Educational Services. She coaches clients on academic, career, relationship, parenting and wellness issues. She can be reached at jbemmerling@gmail.com.