'Transporter 2': Sequel is silly, but it's a blast

There is no logical explanation for how Frank Martin, the butt-kicky hero of Transporter 2, can take a hijacked jet ski from Biscayne Bay, launch it onto a Miami causeway and then drive it right up to the truck he's trying to catch.

It doesn't make a bit of sense that he can maneuver his well-armored car through the air from parking deck to parking deck without ruining the transmission, blowing out the tires and bloodying his pretty, balding head.

Twentieth Century Fox 'Transporter 2' The verdict: Illogical. Does not compute. Kicks major butt. Director: Louis Leterrier Starring: Jason Statham, Alessandro Gassman, Amber Valletta, Kate Nauta, Matthew Modine Run time: 88 minutes Release date: September 2, 2005 Rating: PG-13 for intense sequences of violent action, sexual content, partial nudity and brief language. See showtimes On the web Official movie site View the trailer    Trailers require Quicktime Rate "Transporter 2"   Go see it   Make it a matinee   Wait to rent   Don't bother Voter Limit: Once per Hour View Poll Results

Likewise, don't bother wondering whether the official uniform for professional female assassins is hot pink wrap-around stilettos, a scant bra and panty set and the sneer of a possessed (and armed) Hot Topic employee.

And that, dear reader, is because the blissfully dumb and wonderfully fun Transporter 2, like its violent, kicking predecessor, takes place in an alternate reality.

Let's face it: An action movie about a guy (Jason Statham) who makes a living transporting questionable, probably nefarious, packages while being pursued by stripperish gunwomen and vaguely accented henchpeople could reside only in Action Movie Land.

You know, that lovely realm of deep disbelief, where Mel Gibson can be shot to pieces by evil racists in Lethal Weapon 2, and not only survive but, judging by his strip-happy scene with Rene Russo in LW 3, be miraculously limber. It's down the street from where thugs can shoot huge honking holes into the house in Four Brothers and not kill anybody but the brother who wasn't played by someone famous.

And that's why I feel free to love Transporter 2, because it knows, deep in its stunt-heavy, bullet-ridden heart, that its twisted plot is completely unrealistic, highly unlikely and a little goofy.

You can't take this silliness seriously, and you're not supposed to. That is the point of exquisitely ridiculous highlights like the aforementioned ho-sassin, jet ski chase and those various moments when Frank should have been knocked cold, but is up and kicking baddies while being careful not to muss his freshly dry-cleaned suit.

When we last saw Frank, he had just survived a kidnapping plot involving a bunch of evil guys and the attractive, barely clad woman he was unwittingly transporting in his trunk, which is a very long story summed up thusly: "You are bad men, and I will kick you now."

Now, for reasons that are sort of explained but fairly unnecessary, Frank is the driver for the family of national drug czar Jefferson Billings (Matthew Modine, who looks embarrassed to be here and is shockingly trying to act. Lighten up, Matt. Your check cleared, right?)

Frank's main task is driving Billings' kid Jack from the family's Miami mansion to school. Jack (Hunter Clary) is, of course, ridiculously cute, and has a friendship of sorts with Frank.

Everything's fine until Frank thwarts a plot to kidnap Jack because ... oh, I won't ruin it for you. But it's dumb. And fun.

The kidnapping attempt does feature the lingerie-clad, homicidal Lola, played by a model named Kate Nauta.

The bleached-blond, pixie cut-sporting Lola has the psychotic manner of what one of my companions described as "a broke Pink."

Nauta has abs to die for and is, I must point out, the worst actress ever. I mean it. Just awful.

Which, of course, means that she's perfect. As is Transporter 2.

The Flick Chick's Bottom Line: Illogical. Does not compute. Kicks major butt.