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Letter: Many deadbeat dads work system

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This is in response to “Parents want deadbeats to pay” in the June 5 edition of The Daily Reflector. From 1969-1983, my mom received no child support because my father left the United States before he filed for a divorce. So the current child support system would not have helped my mother to raise me. Deadbeats will always find a way to cheat the system.

Sure, the current child support system will do a good job of catching the middle-class, otherwise law-abiding fathers who remain gainfully employed. But there are three types of fathers that the system will never do anything about: career criminals, turnip dads and street-smart dads. The career criminal laughs at the system because he enjoys jail. He gets three hot meals a day, color cable TV, free medical care and he still doesn’t have to write a check. The turnip dad is too poor to pay child support. Because he is homeless or sleeping on a friend’s couch, jail is a paradise compared to his current lifestyle. And the street-smart dad may abscond overseas. This is illegal, but it’s also difficult to do anything about.

Now for the part that will make people angry: The best way to raise children is in a married nuclear family, not single fatherhood or single motherhood. Children in single-parent homes do less well in school, are more likely to commit crimes and are less likely to have successful relationships when they reach adulthood. For more information, see the research of Cynthia Harper and Sarah McLanahan. And a single parent is less likely to find a suitable replacement for the missing biological parent. For those who disagree, look up the “Cinderella Effect.”

For the complete article, please pick up a copy of The Daily Reflector. Current home delivery and electronic edition subscribers may log in to access this article at no charge. To become a subscriber, please click here or contact Customer Service at (252) 329-9505.

Comments

Deadbeat

I absolutely love these comments. Most of the studies that the author cited come from Medical Journals (RN and MD written). And each of those studies have at least 10 sources. And those studies each have 10 sources, ad infinitum. So I guess that all of those MD’s and RN’s are absolutely wrong about single parents. The logic from the commenters is teenage-level in scope. Like teenagers, they take a general rule, and find that one exception to the rule to claim that the parent’s argument is without merit. Thus, because the author indicates that single parenting seldom turns out well, the respondents find one single-dad MD who raises two successful doctors as “proof” that single parent lifestyles may have some merit. The best way to point out an illogical argument is with a metaphor. So here’s my metaphor: Wikipedia indicates that since 1901, approximately 14 people (and one housecat) have gone over Niagra falls in a barrel as a publicity stunt. Somehow, I think that that cat was coerced. Some lived (including the cat), but some died or were maimed for life. So, according to these people’s logic, it is perfectly safe and acceptable to go over Niagra falls in a barrel! Look, I have 21 years of experience as a nurse, both in the Army and in civilian life. I am the one who treated the child who is blind and retarded because of shaken baby syndrome. I am the one who debrided the skin of the 6-year-old girl, whose single mother “couldn’t take it anymore” and scalded the girl’s buttocks with boiling water because she wet the bed. Immersion burns have telltale signs. Usually, the buttocks, feet and hands suffer the worst burns. And this single momma told me, to my face, that she was “a good mother.” I am the one who passes meds to the 20-year-old girl whose stepfather and his buddies used her as halftime entertainment during the 1999 Superbowl. Go Broncos! What sort of sick punk rapes a 6-year-old? And the majority of the children I have treated were abused by their single mother, single dad, or the latest paramour that shacked up with them! So don’t try to sell me on the single parent lifestyle. If you have convinced yourself that it’s ok, then fine with me. I will continue to treat the injuries of the children who suffer because of single mommas and single daddies.

Many Deadbeat Dads Work System

I divorced my son's father in 1997. I never took him to court for child support but he was there every Friday to pay what he could, more than a court order would have been. He spent time with his son, babysat him and even kept my yard work done. He had a girlfriend he brought over to introduce to me before he introduced him to my son. My son adored him and the feeling was mutual. I remarried in 2000. My son's father was so distraught at another man entering his son's life that he quit his job and moved to California, never paying another dime in child support. My son was 7. My son is now 20 and his father has yet to pay a dime and I have yet to take him to court. My son has seen his father twice in 12 years and not at all since 2003. Why didn't I take him to court? I didn't want the hassle. I felt if he didn't want to pay, fine with me. I was not going to live my life where my son may hear me arguing about the child support or having to go to court, or lawyers or custody issues. I didn't want all that negativity around my son or me. We made out just fine and my son is a Junior in college. His dad would call over the years but suddenly one day my son just decided he didn't know the man on the other end of the phone and has not spoken to him since. My ex continued to call for 5 more years trying to talk to my son and finally stopped in 2010. My wonderful son, raised by a single parent, buys me presents and cards on both Mother's Day and Father's Day. And get this, I use to get calls from his father on Father's Day too, thanking me for raising his son. I always felt if he could live with it, I could live without it. I believe father's and/or mother's need and should pay to help raise their children. But you have to make the decision, do you want all that drama in your life for you and your children or not. I never once received help from the government or social services or anybody. I got no help from family or friends. I worked and made sure my son came home from school to me being there. I single-handedly raised a wonderful young man. I chose a job I could do from home so I could always be there for him. If you want your children to grow up healthy and happy, it's all about choice. I chose the high road. I believe I got the best end of the deal anyway.

Thank you

As for getting the best end of the deal, you most certainly did. You deserve a medal. You can be very proud of your accomplishment. Thank you for giving us a very responsible person for our future. I'm certain we will hear from him and his accomplishments someday. He had a great example.

Delete and go with other

Delete and go with other post.

Maybe

Anyone can prove anything these days. All one needs is an article or two from the internet. Granted two parent families are the best in most cases. However, sometimes they are the worst. A father that more than loves his daughter with a wife who will not say anything because of "status" is but one. A father that goes on business trips and a mother that is too alone so she seeks more than a child's love from her son. It's all happened far too many times. A father who comes home every Thursday and pulls out his belt, beating all the children and telling them that's for all the wrong they did for that week while a mother just stands there nodding her head. I happened to witness that in government housing from a Navy Warrant Officer. Oh, they were finally turned in and the children were taken away while the Warrant Officer received a Court's Martial and was booted out of the Navy. A Marine Major that tells his wife that he is going on deployment to California for training and never returns. No, he was not killed or injured, just picked up with an old girlfriend. His children were teenagers at the time. So, two parent families are many times not what they seem. They are not utopian as in television shows. Granted many two parent famiilies are sometimes great. But, no family is perfect. Single mothers and fathers are sometimes better. One I knew, personally, came home from work one day to find his older two year old son sitting on the porch with the younger sitting in a baby chair with a dirty diaper on his bottom. He walked into the house and found it was completely empty. He found a housekeeper and raised those boys himself. Both are medical doctors today. He recently retired as a medical doctor. He never married again. There are single mothers that do a wonderful job in raising their children. My next door neighbor is one. She raised three children. She worked two jobs to raise them. She is in her mid 50's now. Last Mother's Day, they came with their wives and children and gave her a ticket for a Disney Cruise. Oh, she not going alone. Her two sons and one daughter and their families are taking her. These days she wants for nothing. She has a housekeeper, and her grass is cut every week. She has a late model vehicle and does not pay a penney. Her children pay for everything. Maybe an exception, but an outstanding one. The divorce rate is 50/50 these days. Just long enough to produce a child, or two. The courts almost always award the children to the mother and the father is ordered to pay child support. Then the mother marries again and spends the next years telling every lie she can think of about their father to them. The children grow up fatherless because the second husband thinks of them as something he has to endure, but then, they do add to the monthly income with the child support payments. The father is forced to sometimes have two jobs just to make the payments while the stepfather buys a new boat with same the child support payments--a boat he and his wife use while the children remain home. When the ex wife finds out that the ex husband is getting more pay with a better job, she immediately goes to the judge and requires more child support--because he can afford it now. There are good parents and bad parents, good and bad stepparents, good and bad single parents. Don't make the mistake of bundling them into a sterotype. I just heard about a homeless girl working herself into Harvard, is that also the Cinderalla Effect? Don't misunderstand, I believe in responsiblilty, even if court ordered and police enforced. However, there are always differing situations. Before a father is forced, what is the mother doing with the child support money? That also needs to be investigated. Is she bar hopping or trying to raise her child(ren) and setting a good example. Is she wearing mink while her children are hungry? How many children does she have by the same father, or is she just a baby making machine and wants our police and courts to enforce her habits? There are two sides to every story. So, go get those dead beat dads, but make sure that their child support actually goes to support the child.

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Bless your heart
Bless your heart